The Space Between… 13 comments


I Miss You {living outside the stacks}

“How many children do you have?”

“We have five.” We have six. “Four girls and a boy.” Four girls and two boys.

At least, I think he was a boy. Even though I carried him in my hands to the hospital and gave him to the nurse, I don’t know for sure. I don’t know what we lost. I don’t know who we lost. But my momma heart tells me that it was a boy.

When he died, there were no forms to fill out. No one asked what we had planned to call him. There wasn’t a funeral. No death certificate. No “I’m sorry for your loss.” No condolence cards. There was nothing. There was silence.

And tears.

And guilt.

I think of him often. I wonder what he would’ve become. When my other kids smile or tease me or make me laugh, I wonder how he would’ve fit in. Would he have been the quiet one? The industrious one? The troublemaker? The peacemaker? The protective older brother.

Did he know for the few precious moments that he was in my hands how much he was loved? Even though he was already gone.

Daenel T {Living Outside the Stacks}

 

 

 

 

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  • It is a loss too many people marginalize. Thinking of you and praying for your little one.

  • MimiBakerMN

    So many women go through this. I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of ladies at church who had miscarried. I was like you, carried my baby with us. I also believe the baby was a “he”, but I allowed my girls to help name him. We used unisex names, and he was named Taylor Lee. I think of my youngest son, who I became pregnant with a month later, and think of what life would’ve been like if I hadn’t miscarried. I wouldn’t know this little light in my life. But then I wonder what my family dynamic would’ve been like if he’d have been full term. Thankful that the Lord has my Taylor, and I’ll be able to know him one day.

    • Like I told Lois, I honestly had no idea… I think naming him was brave and wise. It made him a part of the family and acknowledged his existence. I wish that we’d done that. It’s funny, like you, I became pregnant soon after {with the twins} and all I can think is if he were here, they would not be… Just the little changes.

      • Lois Houston

        Ours was Sarah Grace. ❤️

  • Audrey McCulley

    Thank you for sharing this post. sending you tons of cyber hugs and love.

  • Lois Houston

    I read, and re-read, this several times. I know your pain. I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks – a baby we hadn’t planned for. A baby we were just getting accustomed to thinking about as ours. We went to the doctor (with our two-year-old in tow) for a routine visit and our first ultrasound only to find there was no heartbeat and that she was gone. I, too, never found out the gender, but I KNOW it was a girl. My mamma’s heart knows, just like yours. And I, too, find that there are days when I look at my family and wonder what she would’ve been like – headstrong and outspoken like my oldest? artistic and dreamy like the young one? or somewhere in the middle? I have always thought it was just me that carried those thoughts – the what if’s and wonderings… would her hair have been curly or straight? would she love to walk in the rain and sing show tunes? I think no matter when you lose a child, a part of you dies with that child – and as a momma you always feel that loss, that emptiness. My heart goes out to you. I feel your pain. I know it. I share it.

    • Lois, I honestly didn’t know there are so many women out there who’ve gone through this. All these years I’ve felt like I was the only one. It’s a sad sisterhood… My love and prayers are being sent your way.

  • Don

    God bless you. I too know what it feels like.

    • Blessings to you as well, Don.

  • Juanita

    I’m sorry, Daenel. Hug…